Giving this “live blogging the Academy Awards” thing a stab.

From Eddie Murphy to Billy Crystal – let’s see what happens…

8:26 – The red carpet is always so boring. No one really wore anything too exciting this year.  Michelle Williams looks good, so does Rooney Mara even though it’s like a lot of the other stuff she’s worn.  Missed a lot of the arrivals, I’m sure I’ll see what everyone’s wearing during the ceremony.

8:27 – Mirror, Mirror is coming out in March? Huh.

8:30 – Unrelated…I ordered soup that still hasn’t come. They make me miss Crystal’s opening shtick I shall be very put out, as Prince Humperdink is wont to say.

8:31 – THE voice, Morgan Freeman, tells us how important the Oscars are. I wasn’t really all that sure till now, so thanks.

8:32: Say “I’m Batman, it’ll help me” HA.  And here comes the Bieber.

8:35 – Creepiest yet, Crystal as Tintin. Just wrong. Eating Minny’s pie, though? I like that.

8:36 – Ok, so the entire opening was about him?  Not the movies, but him? When did he become bigger than the movies? Tsk tsk Mr. Crystal.

8:40 – Fat jokes about Jonah Hill? Is that where we are? And a lei joke. Sigh.

8:42 – Why does Tom Hanks look like a younger version of the Colonel from Kentucky Fried Chicken?

8:43 – Cinematography? No more Best Supporting Actress as first award? Hugo wins. Cinematographer looks sufficiently arty – and comments on the odd placement of the award in the show as well. Keeps it short and sweet. Good for him.

8:45 – Art Direction (one of two noms where Harry Potter got a nom, btw. Wuz robbed) And Hugo wins again. Are we seeing a trend? Dante Ferretti brought a note card; better than stumbling through it. Good for him, too. “For Martin and for Italy.” Silly me, I thought the movie took place in Paris.

8:53 – Yes. We all love movies. That is why we are watching this.

8:54 – Costume Design announced by 2 people who clearly coordinated ahead of time.  If W.E wins I’ll scream.  And The Artist wins it’s first of the evening.  No colors in the film, but still beautiful costumes. Reminded me of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers.

8:57 – Makeup…magic of Harry Potter started in the morning with the makeup. Nice.  The posing…just silly. Iron Lady wins. Good. It was makeup without being obvious. And those teeth! Thanking Meryl, as we all should.

9:01 – Can’t remember the first movie I saw. I feel like I’ve always been going to the movies.

9:06 – Best Foreign Language film, announced in Mandarin aka German. Ok Sandy. Will A Separation actually win, even though it’s from Iran? And yes. Hollywood sees no political boundaries! He was very clearly prepared for this.

9:10 – Best Supporting Actress. Christian Bale will never live down that Batman thing. No surprise it’s Octavia Spencer. She was great, even if the movie wasn’t.

9:20 – Christopher Guest you are my hero. That is all. “Cut the Rainbow song.” Fred Willard is always good, loves monkeys.

9:24 – Film Editing. Tree of Life wuz robbed. But Girl with the Dragon Tattoo was a definite close second. Sound Editing and Sound Mixing – Hugo.  Marty’s really raking ’em in. I want to know why Tina Fey was wasted on these awards.

9:34 – Muppets. Yay. Muppets announcing Cirque du Soleil? Nay.  The performances are always better in person for Cirque, though dan they are BENDY.  If people stood up like that in the theater with me, I’d slug ’em. How did they rig the Kodak for all that? Impressive. No Muppets singing, mind you, but impressive.

9:40 – First the fat jokes, now the old jokes. So classy Crystal.

9:41 – RDJ is funny, but Paltrow sucks the funny out of everything. Undefeated wins. Beats  Paradise Lost 3. Interesting. Haven’t seen either.

9:45 – Good racial commentary from Chris Rock. “Can’t play white” HA. Who says animations hard? If it’s not the animators, I don’t want to hear it. Rango better win. And whew, it did. The animation was just spectacular and the movie was just so well done. Take that Pixar. We won’t just throw awards at your movies when they’re crap like Cars 2.

9:53 – Melissa McCarthy is always funny. So glad she’s hit the big time. And Emma Stone really looks like she’s having a ball, scripted or not. Best FX – Hugo. Hrm.  Meh. And this means the entirety of Harry Potter = no awards. That’s sad.

9:59 – Best Supporting Actor. Melissa Leo has kept her mouth shut this season. Good. No surprise here for Christopher Plummer. And wow, oldest actor to win an Oscar. Such a long time coming for him. Well deserved standing ovation. Dude is so f’ing classy.

10:09 – Billy Crystal: Stand Up Comedian. Nick Nolte will see you in the parking lot after the awards.

10:13 – Best Original Score. War Horse music is music by which you make sweet sweet love to your horse. So glad this isn’t being done with dancer again. The Artist wins. Great soundtrack, but not 100% sure it was the best.

10:17 – Leave it to Will and Zach to be awesome. “It’s hard out here for a pimp” CLANG. Man or Muppet has to win. HAS TO. We are all a muppet of a man. Though I will say I did enjoy Rio. Love some sound comedy. And yay! A Conchord wins! And who knew Kermit was just a real frog? Jason Segal looks so happy. Good for the Muppets. Great film that deserved more recognition than it got.

10:25 – Is it wrong that I just don’t get Angelina Jolie?  I just keep wanting someone to feed her. Please. Adapted Screenplay – Could the Dean from Community become an Oscar winner? YES! So happy. Loved the script for this movie. Funny and touching. I love some Alexander Payne. Best Original Screenplay – (this time without Angelina’s scary skinny leg) Will Woody win? Will Kristin Wiig? And it’s Woody for the win. No one to accept for him. Too bad.

10:32 – Sandler clearly recorded this before his 11 Razzie nominations.  And Sacha Baron Cohen? We all want to watch some really sick stuff. Have no fear.

10:39 – The Bridesmaids present. And a penis joke too boot. Best Live Action Short – The Shore. Best Documentary Short – Saving Face. Best Animated Short – The Fantastic Flying Book of Mr. Morris Lessmore (beat Pixar’s La Luna).  Love me a good short.

10:51 – Best Director. I would have normally assumed Michel Hazanvicius, but Hugo has been gaining momentum all night…I would wish Terrance Malick to win for Tree of Life. Such a gorgeous, emotional film. And the Oscar goes to — Hazanavicus who thanks the movie itself. Cute.

11:03 – NOW we get the In Memoriam. It’s not popular, but Whitney wasn’t film’s loss. It’s all about “As you wish”. Forever Mr. Falk. Also — haven’t they done the montage to this song before?

11:12 – So glad to see Patton Oswalt in the company of Ed Norton, Tom Cruise, Philip Seymour Hoffman, etc.

11:15 – Best Actor – She’s going talk to each of them like she knows them? Huh? But at least she really does know Gary Oldman. Jean Dujardin’s eyebrows are a winner. This is really the Handsome Man category. And Jean Dujardin’s smile wins. He is so f’ing charming and really sold that film. Also, that accent. That accent.

11:21 – What is up with that music? Such an afterthought.

11:24 – Best Actress. And now Colin Firth will talk to each of the nominees. He doesn’t make it seem as forced.  I’m guessing it’s Viola. She was wonderful, but I really felt Meryl Streep was unbelievable in The Iron Lady. Oh right, he was in that terrible film with Meryl. DANG I am glad to be wrong! Oh Meryl, we love you. You are glorious.

11:32 – Best Picture announced by Tom Cruise. Feh. And no surprise, The Artist. I wish Tree of Life had won, but at least it wasn’t The Help or Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close. Or War Horse.  Thanking Billy Wilder can never hurt in my book.

SO: Only a little behind schedule.  Not great. But better than last year. Will Ferrel and Zach Galifinakis and Christopher Guest and crew were the highlights.

What’s in store next year? I’m hoping The Three Stooges.
Thank you and good night.